We inadvertently sabotage our child's ability to engage in healthy relationships and/or regard us as qualified parents when we postpone correcting unwanted behavioral issues. Our choice to do so usually stems from the belief that by taking such action, we will disrupt the serenity of our intended domestic bliss.
Truth is, avoiding such responsibility often firmly establishes the increase of undesirable and sustained behavioral patterns, from which there will not easily (and may NEVER be,) escape. These issues will furthermore serve to define our measure as people and parents, by our families, friends and the world at large.
From 30 years of trial and success, trial and error, while I have often fallen short of parenting greatness, I've remained willing to admit and correct my shortcomings, once identified. A career of working with children and families has for me served to reinforce, augment and revise "Parenting 101." I do not portend to be a rocket scientist, astronaut, electrician, accountant, doctor or phlebotomist, but I do know what I know, and I know babies and children; and I know about nurturing and protecting the hearts of others. I believe that each of us has strengths possibly yet undiscovered, but when we compare ourselves to others, we render ourselves pretty much worthless.
As a dedicated peace-seeker, when my participation toward improvement becomes evident, you'll find me among the line-leaders facing off with worst-first, understanding that improved relationship will follow. When my children were little, I wanted to ensure that wherever we went, they would be welcome to return, any time. This meant that as I shared my expectations with them early-on, I demonstrated my commitment to listen out for their needs. Compromise would have only delayed success as I lovingly steered my babies toward knowing positive social concepts. I see little evidence of this philosophy anymore, but I have yet to dismiss its intrinsic value. Kinda stems from the Golden Rule. I can't imagine a gentler, easier and more timely method for them to discover courtesy for others than when they are babies and toddlers.
Call it boasting, call it loftiness, but I never once experienced a public (or private) emotional meltdown from any one of my three. I must acknowledge that the parenting era to which I refer was far less complicated than this one. But I could tell when my children weren't on the same page with me, and lovingly resolved such issues before presenting our countenance out in the world. This procedure never involved punishment nor disdain, but simple age-appropriate sharing/discussion. It was always my heart's desire to sustain an ongoing happy RELATIONSHIP with my children, (a bonus was unbroken enjoyment of each others' company,) and while I faced my share of distraction, I would work to restore the (sometimes) unspoken parent-child communication, immediately.
So when we would be out for example, say, at the grocery store, my children only had to ask or tell me something twice. Most of the time, they only had to speak to me once, but obviously occasional distraction would occur. And when I would be in conversation with another person, each of mine understood that Mommy was going to finish that conversation, after which my child again would have my full attention. Sure, they would sometimes interject comments or queries. If I determined their interruption to be necessary, I'd pardon myself from present conversation, and respond to my child. If the interruption presented from obvious boredom or extraneous other, I would pardon myself from present conversation, facing my child to share that I did not want to be rude to the other person by ignoring them mid-sentence, and that once he or she had finished talking, I would listen to my child. I would add that "It doesn't feel good to be ignored, does it?"
I can only imagine significant degradation to my self-esteem, if my parents had practiced the art of ignoring me, ever. Every time I am in a store, I encounter at least one meltdown, and one repetitious "Mom, Mom, Mom" or "Dad, Dad, Dad." Or WORSE, a parent yelling or belittling a child. Most others just carry on, disregarding or not wanting to "get involved," but I find it grievous, imagining the burgeoning distress of such children, although I wouldn't hesitate to involve myself wholeheartedly, if I were to witness outright abuse. These children may appear to "belong" to others right now, but very soon, they will belong to "us," and they will be legislating our geriatric years.
I once had a friend whose style of comforting her child would be to assign external blame. For instance, if her son tripped over a rock while running, she would remark, "BAD ROCK!" I would cringe upon every instance. My mother had a dear friend whose daughter (my age,) was quite unmanageable. She even kicked my mother in the shin once, right in front of her own mother, and there was no response, whatsoever. Once, while we were visiting, this daughter, in a fit of anger, proceeded to ride her tricycle down a flight of many concrete steps leading from the street to their yard. Fortunately, she suffered only a few scrapes and bruises. UNFORTUNATELY, her distressed mother's reaction was to tell her angry daughter that if she promised never to "do that again," she (the mom) would take her to the store and buy her a brand new BIG GIRL BICYCLE, and the BEST one THERE!
If you would like to know what type of adult this method of parenting produced, ask me sometime. It isn't pretty, just awfully, awfully sad.
I've had friends who simply chose to ignore their children's bad behavior, subsequently witnessing these children increase their intensity of disruptive efforts until the parent DID take notice and respond. (Restrained responses, once birthed, are often overly-authoritarian in delivery.) Accepting and offering social and play invitations from and to families where the parents don't do their job often requires stressed mental deliberation, regardless of potential benefits from sharing their company, and once in their company, peace will only come from strained tolerance and zipped lips.
When we recognize that our children are engaging in unwanted or inappropriate behavior, we are actually being called into active duty. Location of battlefield is irrelevant. When our children identify any places where their behavior goes unfettered without consequence, what could possibly inspire them to self-regulate while there? And FORGET THREATS. Threats are nothing more than empty promises. We want our children to think of us as trustworthy, as there will be times (albeit rare?) when our trusted word alone will save them from bad decisions.
When we threaten to discipline and don't follow through, we relegate our position as parents to that of furniture. It is far better to say nothing and allow the offense to continue, than to EVER offer empty threats.
If a boss were to chronically threaten employees but not carry out those threats, it wouldn't take long for employees to regard his/her threats as "part of his/her personality." Nothing more. When I was a child, a common parental warning was "If you've just eaten, you must wait one hour to go back into the pool; otherwise you'll get cramps." Well, after some period of years, most of us figured out that we could even eat IN the pool, and not suffer more than splashed, soggy food. From that point on, the cramp axiom became worthless. Another was, "You'll get warts if you touch a frog." Never happened, and I held a frog or two in my formative years.
When our children begin to present undesirable behavior, we must first ensure that there is nothing physically wrong with them. Once we establish that they aren't sick or feeling poorly, we can then address and begin to eliminate the problem's source.
Without boundaries and rules, our children will never feel safe and secure. Without expectations and consequences, our children will never truly realize how valuable they are. Without quality attention, our children will face chronic internal conflict.
When we shy away from dealing with our responsibilities as parents we are saying, "I said no, but really, I don't mind your doing this, go for it." We then set up a cycle of doom for not only ourselves, but everyone else. When we establish with our children that certain behaviors are simply unacceptable, they do "get it," and then will most likely resume their lifelong search for our "other" buttons. :-)
Once we have clearly conveyed reasonable expectations to our children for courteous and thoughtful living (supported by attentive reinforcement of those principles until they sink in,) it is highly unlikely that we will have to linger on that particular issue any further. We can then address the NEXT PARENTING OPPORTUNITY, and, as I continue to learn...they are infinite!
We may be the ONLY ones to give our children the BEST (love, attention, respect, admiration, confidence, ambition, logic, worthiness and hopefulness) THEY WILL EVER HAVE. BEST...
